18 september
i have been cooking this idea in my head for long enough, the idea of what i can do to stay true to myself and to give something kind to the earth; the idea that allows me to live slower, be happier and earn less. i have it in my mind when i wake up, and carry it with me to hug it tightly on my bed. i don't want it to, again, be just an idea and never has a change to live.
i am reading this book called "the gifts of imperfection", which says something along the line of "courage is to be yourself", and hell isn't being yourself take courage. the idea of being so truly myself scares me so much that i can only mention it once in a while in jokes with the fear that people will laugh at it (how ironic). i can see the frown and scold from my parents, i can see the smirk of my peers, i can see the disappointment from anyone who has "hope" in me. the toxic "hope" for me to be the person they want me to be.
the hope to be normal, the normal way of living, in any countries, is to survive with consumerism: you buy stuff, you consume stuff, you work for stuff. the thing is, i don't think i need "stuff", i don't find joy in "stuff". staying in a closed office space 9 hours a day makes me realise this isn't what i want. very quickly i go back to the start: on the verge of usual anxiety and self-doubt. yet slowly i discovered another way of living, simple, less but more, balanced, mindfulness. it grows taller and stronger in my heart. i know i have to let it out.
today for the first time i talked about it, visualised it to the one i trust and love the most - my boyfriend. throughout the talk i could hear my voice getting smaller and smaller, my heart beat faster, my mind would imagine scenario of him rejecting, laughing, mocking. i bursted to tears when he asked simple questions, thinking that he didn't believe in me. i didn't know that shame can be that visible. i realised it was all me, it was me who didn't have trust, it was me who was scared, it was me who doubted myself; more than anyone. and i feel strong again, naming and realising shame is the first step to overcome it.
good day, good day.
i have been cooking this idea in my head for long enough, the idea of what i can do to stay true to myself and to give something kind to the earth; the idea that allows me to live slower, be happier and earn less. i have it in my mind when i wake up, and carry it with me to hug it tightly on my bed. i don't want it to, again, be just an idea and never has a change to live.
i am reading this book called "the gifts of imperfection", which says something along the line of "courage is to be yourself", and hell isn't being yourself take courage. the idea of being so truly myself scares me so much that i can only mention it once in a while in jokes with the fear that people will laugh at it (how ironic). i can see the frown and scold from my parents, i can see the smirk of my peers, i can see the disappointment from anyone who has "hope" in me. the toxic "hope" for me to be the person they want me to be.
the hope to be normal, the normal way of living, in any countries, is to survive with consumerism: you buy stuff, you consume stuff, you work for stuff. the thing is, i don't think i need "stuff", i don't find joy in "stuff". staying in a closed office space 9 hours a day makes me realise this isn't what i want. very quickly i go back to the start: on the verge of usual anxiety and self-doubt. yet slowly i discovered another way of living, simple, less but more, balanced, mindfulness. it grows taller and stronger in my heart. i know i have to let it out.
today for the first time i talked about it, visualised it to the one i trust and love the most - my boyfriend. throughout the talk i could hear my voice getting smaller and smaller, my heart beat faster, my mind would imagine scenario of him rejecting, laughing, mocking. i bursted to tears when he asked simple questions, thinking that he didn't believe in me. i didn't know that shame can be that visible. i realised it was all me, it was me who didn't have trust, it was me who was scared, it was me who doubted myself; more than anyone. and i feel strong again, naming and realising shame is the first step to overcome it.
good day, good day.
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